Distance

Respect is a strange value. Reflecting on it, I cannot explain the feelings associated with respect. Perhaps it is an automatic feeling that comes with every new person you meet or maybe it is a voluntary thought. I find myself often struggling with the idea of respect and balancing it with other similar values. I have realized that sometimes it’s easy for respect to diminish as boundaries come down between people- which is a very odd thing.

I mention respect not because I just had a random thought but because of the upcoming meeting with my Thesis Committee. I highly respect the individuals I reached out to, and their perspectives mean every little thing to my research and me, since at this point it is an extension of me. That said, along with the respect I have for them, there’s also quite a bit of apprehension and intimidation.

See, it’s inevitable to see teachers or even any older people as intimidating. I struggle with that; it seems like we are told to put teachers on a higher pedestal and sure, it might be important in some cases. However, that higher pedestal greatly increases the distance between me, an individual and them, individuals.

At the meeting on Tuesday, I do hope to bridge a certain gap between me and my Thesis Committee, while also preserving the respect I have towards each of them. In order to gain their insights on my work, there needs to be a personal connection, along with the professional one already established. I hold this to utmost importance because if I am intimidated by those in my thesis committee, it will suffocate free thinking.

That said, even if I push the intimidation I feel down, nervousness crawls its way out. We all love to say that validation has no meaning or value to us, but those are lies. Last year, I struggled with the idea of validation and how I don’t necessarily require it from anyone but myself, and I have done better, I think. Now, though, I do see this Thesis Committee as a catalyst for that kind of thinking; of bending over backwards in order to try to fit my ideas onto the mold of others. I’m truly nervous about what they might think of my research so far but from the very beginning, I must realize that my primary focus would be my own research and my Thesis Committee is there so simply guide. I guess it’s good that I’m nervous, otherwise it would be a sign that I don’t care.

I’m extremely bad at planning ahead, I write when I feel like it; I think of something for my self-designed from a random thought walking somewhere. You know what, I actually hate planning because I strangely think it confines me to those specific plans. However, I recognize the necessity of planning, in order to have an organized idea for the future. I might not like it, but I respect the system enough to acquiesce.

My first order of business -as of now- is to get together with a group of 15 students, in order to get a personal account of their dreams and its role in their lives. Primarily, the first few meetings will deal with general questions of sleep habits and dream recall. However, I am in the process of trying to identify how to scrutinize dreams and empathy independently, which would then aid in perhaps finding a link. I’m hoping this specific meeting can take place Thursday, if not, I will mail out the survey in advance and gather for a meeting next week.

I am also working on a series of paintings with the theme of dreaming. These might not have a big role in my thesis paper at all, but I wanted something to represent my research- even if to myself. I might try to display these at the symposium- but that’s a long time away, I hope.

Lastly, I compiled a general idea of my research so far in a little brochure for my Thesis Committee, so that they won’t be bored listening to be blather on and can instead have something in their hands when I’m blathering on that they can zone out on. It might not help them at all, but I like to feel prepared and needed something to hold onto in order to exile the nerves on this first meeting. Here’s to hoping nothing catastrophic is done by my socially awkward self. Famous last words.